The stillness dropped upon me first, like a slow quiet spell of indifference. The external sounds turned down so slowly that only the little birds in the hedge belied there was ever an outward expression of this inward condition. Then even they became muted. I realized I hadn’t checked my email in about 3-days. I felt into it—I was compleetely willing, there was no avoidance, simply no necessity. I felt available and in full communication. It was easy listening and contained no urgency or strain. There was nothing I needed to know. The desire for food seems to be synonymous with a hunger for control, and specific outcomes. Without preferences and the distraction of palette pleasing all was right with the world. I was no longer hoping that something would be different, and that my next snack could change it.
I have never rested so deeply in my life. I could feel I was accounting for a long overdue request, but I couldn’t tally the books by my own reckoning. I didn’t know what was wrong, so I couldn’t apply a fix to my expenditure. I was simply past due. I was aware that I had been asked by the Spirit for as long as I could remember—at least my entire adult life—to relax and be taken care of. Some times I had managed the dependency, but not the surrender. Which left me increasingly anxious and somehow feeling more irresponsible. This was different. I could spend hours prone without thought. Always fresh never lethargic. Like a gentle 15 minutes extra in bed on a Saturday morning when all your chores are already done. My eyes were closed most of the time, there was nothing I needed to see, even symbolically, everything was taken care of. I was warm and it was quiet. I didn’t need music or talks. It was pure recuperation without cause and therefore without duration.
I had no goal save Peace and no description of how that should feel either—so no limitations. I told no one what was happening because I didn’t know, and no one asked because no one noticed. It was all in harmony. This experience is my new definition of Given. Exquisite—true romance, everything you need when you need it, unbidden. “I am in need of nothing but the truth.”
“I sought for many things, and found despair. Now do I seek but one, for in that one is all I need, and only what I need. All that I sought before I needed not, and did not even want. My only need I did not recognize. But now I see that I need only truth. In that all needs are satisfied, all cravings end, all hopes are finally fulfilled and dreams are gone. Now have I everything that I could need. Now have I everything that I could want. And now at last I find myself at peace.
And for that peace, our Father, we give thanks. What we denied ourselves You have restored, and only that is what we really want.” W 251 A Course in Miracles
I took sunbaths on bright days and air baths on cool days. Showered often and remained cosy and clean, swaddled in gratitude and lying in a manger of sweet acceptance. I found some frankincense and anointed as Inspired. I felt embalmed by full permission to simply be. When you totally give your life over in service you will be “sent on many busy doings.” So when there is nothing “to be done” it becomes pretty obvious. Only a genuine Call can rise me, it is a simultaneous response not to a need but to a desire to be in this contented completion and as such it is the closest I will ever get in this world to continuity. The deep rest remains while the action refrains.
I broke fast in Joe’s of Lehinch after a lot of laughter and a beautiful Dromore woodland day with my biological brother. Everything made me feel so much—I was hugging trees and draping myself over large cool boulders. I was moved by the care of the forest and the gentle dappled sunlight as it caressed my skin. I took tea first in the Burren then a swim in the wild Atlantic at Fanore before I had my salad. I could just as easily have not eaten but I was beginning to feel nauseous all the time and I was inspired to be able to drink lots of water. A simple plant diet would be more supportive from now on. I thought activities would return with the food, but the need to rest remained, I noticed a little lingering cause and effect in my mind. I had some expectations. I had some ideas of how this would now go. I basically began to revert to type—to try to take over. But this was a complete reset, and I didn’t have the illusion of that control any more.
At least now I could drink water. I still wasn’t interested in food, but it seemed to be Guided so I went with it. This phase was the most humbling because I was now at odds with myself. A few hours with my bio-brother’s naturopath expertise and my clever self had made a bit of a comeback. I felt slightly out of sorts and there was impending activity. An invitation to a family social gathering in Dublin and a new dress. I never felt so unlike myself as when I tried it on. I started to believe this was what I was being prepared for. There were so many personal considerations for pleasure and pride, it felt unnatural. It was painful to have the thought “what shoes should I wear with this?” It was like killing Christ.
I was shell shocked and hid the dress. 1-month into this reset and 2-stone down I was now beginning to hit my external ideas of beauty and I was repulsed by the contrivance that seemed to be required to match my fantasy. I loved my fresh face and flip flopped feet. I couldn’t fake sophistication even though it had initially sounded fun. If I had to shave my legs or find tights, I was out. Not that anyone cared. I could have come in an orange robe, with my head shorn and been just as welcome. I was facing my own judgements and lingering desire to show up and make a “splash.” A secret wish. A hidden desire to hurt and harm. I had no purpose to be there. My personal love for those present was not sufficient. I was now firmly Beloved and I couldn’t do that to myself. As always something happened to make it totally obvious.
I had a contrast experience.
I found the “splash” I wanted was to be in the sea or by a smoky outdoor fire bundled in my woolen poncho with riptide hair. I didn’t need to be seen in “that way” anymore. I wanted to be instantly and intimately recognized as whom I Am. There would be no more performances, fascinations or fantasies of infatuation. I simply desired to be in Love. As I feel it now that lingering lack feeling was the hunger for accepting the invitation. I didn’t notice it had been satiated till I found a picture of myself just a few hours before I was due to go to Dublin.
It was a surprise—online, black and white, and of mySelf. I hadn’t brought a camera to the barn night. I hadn’t requested a photo with my lyrical brother, but there perfectly framed in joy was a behind the scenes Instagram by an unknown photographer, of the Intimacy I’d been searching for my whole life—and it was in me!
I smiled at the image, “You couldn’t of come at a better time.”