~ Field Notes from This Mystic Life,
Sarah St. Claire’s Adventures of Forgiveness
Time being simultaneous and not sequential these writings felt apt to share now.
———< O >———
“We are just having a conversation.” I assuaged. But we weren’t—right then I realized he was having a debate, and I was frustrating his desire to win by not engaging in defense. I suddenly saw the difference. There was no sharing. No exchange of ideas, even if they may differ. There was absolutely no openness. I was shocked. Because as resolute and incalcitrant as he was, I was still hoping to understand more, and be better able to appreciate his point of view. Particularly where the rage was coming from, in relation to what seemed to me to be an innocuous request.
Finally clarity dawned.
If there was no desire for connection, there could be no meeting point. I let go of the topical tug of war that had begun without my awareness. I could accept that. I was not attempting to convert him to my point of view either.
And here is where I learned to notice something invaluable, that I had never observed before: Exactly what kind of “talk” are we having?
I have been so long adapted to “joinings” which are explicit in intent that I hadn’t noticed how “other” ways of relating had crept in… and confounded my habitual way of being.
For example conversation is amiable, it espouses togetherness as its starting point and does not have an agenda save for sustaining the connection. To discuss is to review opposing points of view, but only to prove a point and covertly win. While debate is an adversarial desire not only to win, but for the “other” to loose, badly!
Several times in my life I have gotten into great bother because I did not understand there were these diverse types of communication. I felt with a singular purpose, all things work together for good, and so I would continue to attempt to “restore” peace through dialogue.
You see my problem?
Now you can seem to have a good-natured discussion, but only in the same way that you can have a good-natured fencing match, you still have to wear protective gear.
The draw to engage again and again must come from a desire to win the point. By the same measure debate is really an unapologetic desire to destroy the other team, to put them down so as to ensure a permanent loss on the subject.
It was my lack of awareness of this style shift that had me ridiculously attempting to sooth and explain my meaning in the most uncouth and hostile of situations—when “no one” was even asking.
Instead of simply being at Peace! I was conversely “trying” to resolve a lack of awareness of Peace, through conversation.
As a result my relinquishing of “the tug-o-war rope” in this situation wasn’t sufficient, he wanted to discuss further just how wrong I had been for even asking. I watched bemused as he started to verbally spool said rope for a hanging.
Still believing this was a dialogue aimed at common understanding, I mistakenly reiterated that I was, “open to hearing how it was offensive?” This enraged him even further and he began to mimic his perception of my tone. I laughed and sincerely clarified that “patronizing” wasn’t how I felt—however it may have come across.
His eyes got steely and vicious and he began to vivaciously demean the way I spoke and looked. It would have been distressing if it hadn’t been so comical. But he was not laughing. I searched my heart, was I being disingenuous? Was there something incongruous that he was mirroring back? A blind-spot perhaps?
Then it hit me, there was “no one” there to join with!
And I don’t mean just now in this seeming moment of challenge—but ever.
Here was the ludicrous masquerade playing out. A charade of masks and mirrors where the more one character would implore the “other” the more grotesque the reflection. A veritable fun house of refraction echoing through the carnival of space and time. A long lost craving for connection that was ricocheting for aeons without meeting the Beloved.
Only the Self could satisfy this ancient urge. Obscured by its very nearness and ease of accessibility. Commonplace and unremarkable it required no arduous journey to be found, no trick or tease to be enticed. And so, unprized and ignored it sat, humble in refrain, just matter of fact. Present.
And I was looking for connection with this joker?!
“Go bhfóire Dia orainn!” (“May God help us” in Gaelic) What was I thinking?!
I realized that even the desire to understand, or connect is not the desire for Peace!
Wow what a relief… He was simply reflecting this insane belief. My attention immediately withdrew from the personae spitting spite where there was no desire for comfort. Instead my focus rested on the soft open yielding I had been offering that the “other voice” was intent on shutting down.
This welcome was authentic, for me, and all mine!
I Accepted the Correction immediately and was relieved of the illusion that I must make every interaction, right and relinquished the desire to “understand.”
This Call for Love was my own. Let me Answer it directly!
The repeat pattern of unreachable “people” who needed time and patience dissolved away and so too did the false responsibility for “another’s” feelings. I was Blessedly unconcerned and garnered into the Kingdom which holds no barriers for All Are Joined.
I was overjoyed.
The long days journey into night, seeking what I would find in “another” was over. I had arrived. There would never be another conflict, there would never be another fight, there would never be another “other” with whom to spend the night.
For right there, unobtrusive as He may be,
my Beloved Brother was brought right Home to me.
…and The Son shone all around!
Rest in Peace: This is a costly illusion of brothers in arms, yet all things DO work together for good!
You Are Beloved
———< O >———
“Rest in peace”
is a blessing for the living,
not the dead,
because rest comes from waking,
not from sleeping.
Sleep is withdrawing; waking is joining.
Dreams are illusions of joining,
because they reflect the ego’s distorted notions about what joining is.
Yet the Holy Spirit, too, has use for sleep,
and can use dreams on behalf of waking
if you will let Him.
ACIM.org | A Course in Miracles (T-8.IX.3:5-8)
Brothers in Arms
by Dire Straits
Misdirected Miracle Impulse
A Course in Miracles
Do not deceive yourself into believing
that you can relate in peace
to God or to your brothers
with anything external.
A Course in Miracles (T-1.VII.1:7)